Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
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Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?