The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
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CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
I can fix him.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.