Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
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It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air