The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
You Might Also Like
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Netflix and awkward silence?
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
🤣😂🤣
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.