I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
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“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
channeling her this year
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
There are no pants in heaven.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?