Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
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KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
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“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.