That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
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mom had nothing to worry about
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”