Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
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MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I have obtained a hat
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*