JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
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[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
I am, perchance
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.