Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
You Might Also Like
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Sticker placement is key.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.