Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
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#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years