Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
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5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
#DesignFail
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
the three branches of government
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”