me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
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I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.