BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
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Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.