Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
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[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Did…did a minotaur write this
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt