My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
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I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
#parenting
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
*puts cutlery down*
That stupid look on my face, is my face
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
subtitles are so good nowadays
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.