When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
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At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
im 7 sauces long
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
So the ex texted me
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.