My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
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anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
I did not eat the cake…
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
This kid is going places
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Does it…does it take 3 days
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell