Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
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Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”