[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
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I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
I鈥檝e trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they鈥檙e so annoying? Maybe they don鈥檛 know?
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don鈥檛 get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I鈥檓 just getting out to see her get bit!
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn鈥檛 hacked
Me: You weren鈥檛 worried?
Dad: Not at all, you鈥檙e not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 馃榾
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic鈥檚 parents: OUR BABY!
When I said I liked it rough.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Someone told me once you can鈥檛 keep complaining about something if you鈥檙e not gonna do anything about it. But I鈥檝e found that you can, pretty easily.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I鈥檓 a little offended they haven鈥檛 laughed yet.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food