Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
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“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
fourth time’s the charm
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.