All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
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I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
What a kind woman! 😂😂
I’m not average. I’m mean.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene