Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
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[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
If you want my opinion ask my wife
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits