Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
You Might Also Like
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
This will never not be funny to me.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
This is me
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
It’s a gift
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.