[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
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Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.