You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
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Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.