Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
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I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”