why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
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i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
see you in hell you stupid fruit
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
I only look at Wordle for the articles
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly