Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
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Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children