ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
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synchronized noseblowing
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Its a hippotatomus
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.