Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
You Might Also Like
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Am getting real tired of your crap…
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
My oldest chicken is going through henopause