The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
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You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door