Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
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My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating