I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
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If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.