[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
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I feel seen
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
cats when you pet them too long: