School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
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Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween