Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
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The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Jurassic park gets weird
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief