me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
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You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.