there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
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Mmmmm white people
– sharks
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.