Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
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Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Your honor these allegations are
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
the rocks need my help
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
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Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert