Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
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[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY