My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
You Might Also Like
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking