I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
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Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works