i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
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Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.