Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
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Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable