wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
You Might Also Like
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
How to find Kentucky on a map
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.