Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
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My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
I’m sure it’s fine.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.