*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
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My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.