Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
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[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Herpes is trending, good job people
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither