As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
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Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she鈥檚 adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
*frowns in Scottish*
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
plums roundup
My girlfriend said Valentine鈥檚 Day is really important to her so I can鈥檛 wait to see what she has planned for us
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn鈥檛 believable.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 馃檪
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
What鈥檚 that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn鈥檛 give two hoots.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That鈥檚 cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma鈥檃m please return to your table